


Human No More

by troublesome_tome



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Canon Dialogue, Canon Rewrite, Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Gen, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Steven's perspective, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts, but like a really big one, everyone is here!!!!!!!, from another perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:26:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23486026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troublesome_tome/pseuds/troublesome_tome
Summary: The kaiju hug-battle from "I Am My Monster," told from the perspective of Steven himself.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 83





	Human No More

**Author's Note:**

> i've been listening to monster by dodie non-stop since i heard it which inspired me to write this fic. also this stupid thing made me cry multiple times while writing it
> 
> kaiju!steven's call back to reality really stuck out to me and i hate people who say it was just a hug. it was SO MUCH MORE than just a hug; it was the thing that made him realized he was still loved, even if he didn't think he deserved it. the fact that everyone took so much time in that moment to just talk to him, to tell him they were still there for him, and that they loved him was SO important. as someone who suffers from depression, anxiety, and possible PTSD myself, having a moment like that in a children's show is so, so amazing. 
> 
> steven universe future took a lot of turns i didn't expect, but i think that's important for children to see; it's okay to feel bad and want to do bad things so long as you can get help. don't bottle up your feelings. don't turn away support because you think everything's fine. if something's not fine, reach out. it can be hard and sometimes it's scary, but it's so important that you do. sometimes things weigh more heavily on you than you expect, sometimes you do things that are bad because of it, but you still deserve love and support and help. it's okay.

_They can’t help me anymore. I’m a monster._

The thought ran through his head, back and forth, up and down, in circles, it ran and ran until it drove him insane. It spiraled out of control, it grew stronger, it took over his mind and his body. He was no longer a human, no longer a gem, he was nothing more than a big, ugly, scary monster. Not a monster from a storybook, nor a monster from a nightmare; a monster of his own creation.

_I don’t deserve them. I’m horrible. I should have died a long, long time ago. They should have let me die all those times before. Why am I thinking like this? Why am I acting like this? Why am I such a monster?_

Steven wasn’t in control of himself anymore; at least, he didn’t feel like he was. His mind felt separate from his body, as he lashed out and attacked and slammed into things in rage and confusion and fear. Everything bad he had done was coming back to him. The images of Jasper’s gem, shattered into tiny pieces, replayed in his mind. The van crash, that horrible nightmare with Peridot, the anvil he destroyed, the parts of Little Homeworld he destroyed; everything was returning to him in a raging, vicious cycle that only served to make him more upset. 

He felt someone jump onto his back, and the light faded from his view, until he slammed onto the cliff behind him to escape. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be held back. He didn’t want to **be** anymore. 

Someone flew past him. Two people. Bismuth and Peridot. They were flying towards the sea. He chased after them. He didn’t know if he wanted to hurt them or not, but he knew one thing: he wanted to run away. He wanted to sink into the ocean like Malachite, to free his friends and family of him. They shouldn’t have to deal with someone like him. 

Perhaps he’d even drown in there. Then, he’d be free of himself too.

_I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I have to face this somehow. I have to fix this. I need to fix this. I’m supposed to fix things. Not break them. I’m just destroying things. I’m horrible. I can’t be helped. I have to fix this._

Something held him back; not mentally, but physically. The cold, wet chains held him down, dragging him into the shallow sea; Lapis was restraining him. Restraining him just like she restrained Malachite.

_I’m just as bad as her. They’re going to hurt me._

Fear turned to resentment and confusion. Why was his family going to hurt him? Why were his friends going to hurt him?   
_It’s punishment. Punishment for what I did. I thought they loved me. But they’re going to hurt me._

He wanted nothing more than to be free. Steven fought the restraints, desperately trying to break free, but she held him back. She held him down. He roared, he cried, he screamed, but it didn’t reach them. He wanted to be free, but he was being held back.

The sound of a ship roaring and the sound of someone calling his name pierced his ears. Spinel. It was Spinel. Spinel of all people came back to see him. The Diamonds came with her. The ship landed on the beach, and the four of them exited like they had done nothing wrong. Seeing White Diamond reminded him of what he did. She reminded him of what he was.

_I’m not a good person. I’m a Diamond. I’m a Diamond just like the rest of them. I’m a bad person just like every other Diamond. I can’t change. I change for the worse. I want them to leave. I want them to disappear. I want to leave. I want to disappear._

He didn’t listen to what they said, except for one thing that stuck out. Blue was speaking. Blue said he was corrupted.

_I’m not corrupted. I’m not corrupted. I’ve always been like this. I’ve always been disgusting. No one’s ever seen it until now. I didn’t even see it until now. I’ve always been a monster. They can’t help me either._

Yellow stuck her hand out, sending a beam of her Diamond aura towards him. He could feel his head shrinking – literally – but nothing happened. He fought off the power. It couldn’t help him. He couldn’t change back. Nothing could change him back.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It won’t work. Why can’t they see?_

Blue sent one of her clouds his way. It would make him happy again. He could feel better. He blew it away. He sent it flying back to the Diamonds with a roar.

_I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to feel better. I’m a monster. Monsters don’t deserve happiness._

White pushed her way through the other two. She tried to connect with him. Her gem cast brilliant colors all around, settling on pink. He resisted. He didn’t want to connect. He didn’t want to be anywhere near her. With a splash and a thud, White toppled over, landing in the shallow sea in front of him. He was still being held back. He wanted to be free. He wanted to attack them. He wanted to make the Diamonds feel how he felt.

_Monsters. We’re all monsters. You’ve always wanted to hurt me. Now I want to hurt you._

White’s words echoed in his head. “That’s not Steven anymore,” she cried, staring at him with shock and horror.

_I’m not Steven anymore. I’m not Steven anymore. I’m not human. I’m not a gem. I’m a monster. I’m not Steven anymore. I’m just a monster._

He roared in agony and despair and terror, fighting back against Lapis’s hold on him. He couldn’t be held back anymore. The spines he had grown all over his back and his arms and his head started heating up. He could feel them heating up. He didn’t want to be held back anymore.

He roared again, louder than ever, pushing the water away with it, knocking the Diamonds out of the water, pushing everyone back with the sound. Even the Diamond’s ship was knocked over. He was left alone, in the ocean.

_Look what I can do. You can't keep me here. I was always a monster. Now everyone knows._

Something behind him was wrong. He heard something forming behind him. A massive hand formed from beneath the sea, towering over him, clutching onto him and holding him back once more. The Cluster had come back.

_The Cluster wants to save Earth. The Cluster wants to protect Earth from bad things. It stopped the Diamonds. I’m a Diamond. I’m a bad thing it wants to stop. It wants to protect them from me. I’m horrible. I want to hurt my own family._

Something was happening on the beach. He could see them. He could barely hear them. He couldn’t make out their words. He could see them crying. He could see the Diamonds crying. Something was going on, but he was too busy fighting against the Cluster to stop it.

Another voice joined. He couldn’t hear what she was saying, but he could hear Connie. Connie was here. Connie was always there for him. He’d rejected her help. He’d rejected her support. He thought proposing was a good idea. It wasn’t. It made him worse. It made him more upset. Why didn’t she hate him? He’d almost gotten her killed before. Why did she still love him?

_I don’t deserve her. She should find someone better. Someone who isn’t cruel and horrible. Someone who doesn’t shatter gems and someone who isn’t a monster like me and someone who doesn’t need her help like me. Why does she spend so much time on me? I can’t change. I’ll change for the worse. I’ll get worse no matter what she does._

She was saying something. Steven couldn’t understand. Steven was fighting the Cluster, slamming it into the ocean with a force unmatched by any other gem. He was free.

He was finally **free.**

He could hurt the people who had hurt him.

_No one can hurt me anymore. I can hurt them first._   
_I don’t want to hurt them. But I should hurt them. I want to. But I don’t want to._   
_They deserve to be hurt. Just like I do._

He ran towards them, racing with the ocean currents, speeding towards them as the waves crashed on the sand ahead of him. He couldn’t be stopped.

A blue blur flashed in front of him. Lapis was back. Lapis was going to try and hold him back. He kept running. She couldn’t hold him with chains or anything anymore. The ocean rose up to meet him, as she slammed her own waves into his face. The salt water stung his eyes, it pushed him back, and it stopped him in his tracks. He was confused. What was going on? Why wasn’t she trying to restrain him?

Somebody else came down to hold him back. It was Garnet, now the same size as him. She wasn't holding him back. She was just… holding him. Hugging him. Talking to him. She was close enough that he could understand. She was here for him. Garnet was here, just like he had been for her.

He didn’t understand why.

_I’m a monster. Why is she helping me? Why isn’t she hurting me?_

Someone else spoke to him. It was Lapis. He had helped her before. Now she was here to help him.

_Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I don’t deserve this. Why aren’t they hurting me?_

Blue, Yellow, and even White came to his aid. They held onto him, saying nothing, but giving him gentle looks of understanding and care. They were there for him. They had tried to hurt him before, but they wanted him to be happy now. They wanted him to be happy, because he made them happy.

_Why are they here? What did I do?_

Bismuth and Peridot flew in, holding onto him with all their might. Greg, Pearl, and Amethyst held on too. Spinel held them all together, stretching her arms around everyone in the world’s largest hug. 

Greg spoke to him. He called him “Schtu-ball,” just like he always had. Like he wasn’t a monster. Like he was his son.

Peridot screamed up at him. He had never given up on her, for some reason she didn’t understand. She’d do the same for him now.

_Why? Why? Why are they all here? Why do they still love me? Aren’t I a monster? Why won’t they leave? Why did I want to hurt them? They’re still here for me. They still love me. I don’t want to hurt them._

Amethyst called out to him. She said it was possible for him to like himself. She knew how it felt. She knew it felt like it was impossible. He’d helped her through it. Worse gems stick together.

Pearl called to him next. She knew what it was like to keep a secret. She’d hidden the truth for so long. She’d kept secrets from everyone. He shouldn’t have to hide things from her. She was always there for him.

The Cluster reached out of the ground again, gently clutching his hand. They didn’t think he was a monster. He was their friend.

Connie and Lion jumped through a portal, with her landing on the bridge of his nose, right between his eyes. He couldn’t see her as she walked closer to his face, but he could feel her there.

“Steven, you must have been so afraid to show us this side of yourself,” she told him in a gentle voice. “But we’re not going anywhere. We’re all gonna take care of you the same way you take care of us.”  
He could feel a tear dropping from her eyes and landing on his face like a raindrop. “You know what? I may not have your powers, but…”

Connie kissed him, right between the eyes.

His own tears began to fall, staining the water beneath him a brilliant pink. 

_They still… care? They’re here for me. Everyone’s here. Why didn’t I let them help me? Why was I so afraid? They love me. They’ve always loved me._

Everything was dizzy and white for what felt like forever. Steven came to, breathing heavily, looking up at the lazy sky above him. Someone wiped a tear from his eye; a soft, brown hand wiped his sadness away, and he saw Connie kneeling above him, a teary smile on her face. Everyone was there; his family, his friends… everyone he loved was there. They really hadn’t left.

What was he going to say? He had to apologize. He had to fix what he had done, right? He was already so upset, so apologetic, ready for the scolding of a lifetime, ready to apologize and own up to what he had done…

And Lion came in, licking him all over his tear-stained face. Lion puffed at him, his pink fur filling Steven’s entire view.

All he could do was sob, and laugh, and return to sobbing, and then laugh again. What was he thinking? He didn’t need to apologize. No one would scold him. He was panicking and he was upset, and he was scared above all else. Everyone standing in front of him loved him, and he knew that, and they’d never stop loving him, no matter if he was a human, a gem, or even a giant monster. He cried into Lion’s fur, letting out the rest of his pent-up grief and sadness. Even Lion was here for him. He clutched onto Lion, holding him tightly, squeezing his face and running his hands through his mane, letting out every tear he had held back for all of these years. It was okay to cry. Everyone was with him, and they knew he needed it, and that it was okay. 

He was their friend. He was their family. That would never change, no matter who he was.


End file.
